All That I'm Living For
by CelestialMacabre
Summary: A songfic, takes place in a hotel in London. Amy ponders the point of her life and about Ian Kabra and the rest of the Clue Hunt. Song used: All That I'm Living For by Evanescence.


**A/N: This is my very first songfic. And it is a bit OOC. But I hope it isn't too bad for a first try. I'm posting this because I need feedback on writing better songfics, and also because of my lack of updating for Reading the Sword Thief. **

**Song: All That I'm Living For (the acoustic version) by Evanescence**

**Hopefully you'll like this...so without further ado...**

**...**

Amy stared out into the night, shivering slightly as a cold breeze passed her. A trail of goose bumps appeared on her bare arm, but she didn't reach for the black jacket that was crumpled in a heap only a few feet away from her. The quiet sounds of the city seemed far away, but then again, she was five stories up on a hotel balcony.

Amy was alone in the small hotel suite, as Dan and Nellie had left to get dinner. One of the disadvantages of paying for an extravagant suite was that room service was incredibly expensive. The trio was in London, searching for clues. Their trip in the Caribbean had pointed to England, and so in England they were.

The stars seemed unusually bright tonight, standing out from the otherwise dark skies. It was a night for contemplation, in the rare moments that Dan and Nellie were gone. The portable radio playing softly by her provided nice background music to her thoughts.

Amy's thoughts strayed to a certain Kabra, fueled by the fact that they were in London. After the fiasco in Korea, there had been minimal contact between the two. Ian was certainly attractive, yet his inner traits made Amy want to punch him. Ian had double crossed Amy more than a few times, but she was still reduced to a stuttering mess most of the time he spoke to her. She hated him, hated everything that he embodied. But she couldn't help but remember Korea, and the brief times when she felt that unquenchable spark between the two.

But thinking of that only made it all the worse.

The radio finished the somewhat boisterous song and another started. This one was softer, slower, and more heartfelt. Trying to clear her mind, she listened to the song.

_I can feel the night beginning_

_Separate me from the living_

_Understanding me_

_After all I've seen_

And it was true, the uncanny representation of her feelings. The night had provided an odd sense of isolation and comfort for her, and it was impartial, refusing to judge her. Amy felt safe, perched on the balcony, where no one could really see her.

_Piecing every thought together_

_Find the words to make me better_

_If I only knew_

_How to pull myself apart_

Amy supposed that she was "piecing every thought together." She certainly was thinking, about the hunt, about their competitors, about what would happen after the clue hunt, and mostly, about Ian Kabra.

But the words weren't exactly making her better. They were just giving her more questions, questions she couldn't answer. Sometimes she wondered whether it would be better to just drop out of the hunt, but the encounter with the Madrigal had changed all of that.

But it would be nice, to go back to a normal life. Not that anything would ever be normal again. But if she did go back, what would she be going back to? Beatrice? No, while life with Beatrice was safer, albeit undesirable, winning the Clue hunt was more important. She couldn't give up now, not with so many people depending on her. She had Dan to think about too, and if she dropped out, it would just show everyone else what a coward she was.

_All that I'm living for_

_All that I'm dying for_

_All that I can't ignore_

_Alone at night_

Thoughts of Ian resurfaced to the front of her mind. What was she living for? Being the winner of the 39 Clues Hunt, to see the look on Ian's face and the rest of the Kabras? She would never in a million years die for it.

What was she living for? Despite everything, she had to admit that a small part of her wanted to be with Ian. Amy recoiled at the thought, shoving it to a remote part of her brain. But it refused to go away, planting its imaginary feet into the front of her mind.

_All that I'm wanted for_

_Although I wanted more_

_Lock the last open door_

_My ghosts are gaining on me_

Ian wanted her as a pawn, to move as he pleased, to manipulate, so he could win. That was exactly how most of the other competition wanted her as to. But Amy wanted to be more than a pawn. All the manipulation frustrated her to no end. She wanted to be more than a stepping stone, especially to Ian. She wanted to be at least on good terms with him. Amy froze as she realized what she was thinking. Dan would surely kill her if he knew what she wanted. But she couldn't help it, no matter how much she wanted to take down Ian Kabra.

The song was going through an instrumental pause, giving more time to Amy to think.

Being in the Clue hunt meant that sometimes, you had to rob yourself of emotion. The other branches certainly seemed to have done this, but Amy and Dan just couldn't. They couldn't just stand back and watch. Perhaps she should lock the last open door, the one that would let in anyone else into her unsuspecting heart.

Ian had already wormed his way in. Ian, Ian, Ian. Always Ian. He was like a mental stalker inside Amy's brain, especially on nights like these. Appearing at the most unexpected moments, sometimes he claimed Amy's thoughts until she could think about nothing but him.

_I believe that dreams are sacred_

_Take my darkest fears and play them_

_Like a lullaby_

_Like a reason why_

Ian had taken some of her darkest fears and brought them to life already. She didn't exactly like being stuck in a cave forever. And he had betrayed her, ripping her heart and fragile feelings about him apart.

_Like a play of my obsessions_

_Make me understand the lesson_

_So I'll find myself_

_So I won't be lost again_

Amy wasn't obsessed with Ian, she knew that. There just wasn't time. Ian Kabra was a distant figure, except in her mind. And then, only in nights like these. Had he forced her to understand the lesson? To trust no one? Partly, she supposed, but not all. She still trusted, even when she shouldn't.

She hadn't found herself. Her emotions were in one big murky pile, near impossible to sift through. She couldn't define it, and it scared her that she couldn't. Naming things often made them a little less scary. But how could she define something that never really had a name?

_All that I'm living for_

_All that I'm dying for_

_All that I can't ignore_

_Alone at night_

_All that I'm wanted for_

_Although I wanted more_

_Lock the last open door_

_My ghosts are gaining on me_

Back to the philosophical question of the point of her life. What would happen, if she killed herself right now? Just threw herself off the balcony? For one thing, she wouldn't. As long as she was alive, there would be some way to fight back. Dan and Nellie would miss her, she knew that, but would anyone else? Did she even matter to anyone else, or would they just take her suicide as a point of relief, that there was one less competitor in the hunt? Was she just Amy Cahill, the girl who stuttered and liked books?

Would Ian miss her? Would Natalie? She knew Natalie had a softer side; she encountered it when Isabel was knocked out in the Caribbean. But what about Ian?

Amy found herself wanting Ian to miss her. She wanted someone other than Dan and Nellie to miss her. She wanted someone, anyone in the hunt, to look at her and notice her. It didn't matter if they hated her, or liked her. She just wanted to be noticed as someone else other than a bookworm and a pawn.

_Should it hurt to love you?_

_Should I feel like I do?_

No, it shouldn't hurt to love Ian. But it did. It still hurt to even look at him. She wanted, if ever, to feel safe and happy with Ian, if that was possible. But it wasn't, and she was disgusted with herself that she would even think about this. Ian was a venomous Cobra, poison to everyone.

If only times were different, then she wouldn't feel this inner turmoil. She didn't know what to do, and Nellie and Dan weren't exactly good advisers for this type of thing.

_Should I lock the last open door?_

_My ghosts are gaining on me_

Should she lock the last open door and never forgive Ian, and refusing any advances made on her in the future? Or should she give Ian another chance?

No, Ian was a Kabra, and a Lucian too. There was no going back for him. The past was catching up with Amy, and it was catching up with her quickly. She couldn't deal with this, not now. Not when she was already under so much pressure.

The song softened to light piano playing, and Amy closed her eyes. She felt herself relax, merge into the night with the haunting music. But the soft reverie the music had put her win quickly vanished when she heard the faint sounds of the hotel suite door opening and shutting.

Nellie and Dan were back. And with their arrival, the song ended too.

Amy didn't move. She sat there, cross legged, eyes closed, welcoming the gentle cold winds. Perhaps…in another world…everything would be better. But reality was cruel, and when Amy opened her eyes, it was reality that welcomed her.


End file.
